One of the biggest changes I have seen in myself during this process has been pretty unexpected and totally un-looked for.  The world we live in is very dark at times, people can do terrible things to other people.  Sometimes those acts are politically motivated, and sometimes those acts are simply the acts of a broken person.  Many times those actions take the form of violence against large groups of people.  Often those acts of violence involve guns.  At one point in this journey, I sat down to write about the gun control debate, I got about 800 words and roughly an hour into it, and then set the article aside because it wasn’t finished, but I had lost my sense of direction for the post.  I haven’t yet gone back to it.

In the process of trying to write that article I found a lot of questions I couldn’t answer, questions that I couldn’t even clearly state to myself.  In my mind, I was leafing through a whole book of “what if’s” asking myself if what I was hoping to say would apply to this situation or that situation.  Did I want to encourage gun ownership?  Was I suggesting that gun ownership should be restricted?  Maybe I wanted to work towards gun ownership classes or certification requirements.  I never really found a satisfactory answer for most of these questions.  The issue is far too dense, and there were far too many facets of the discussion for me to fully consider.

So I set the article aside, waiting for some clarity before I returned to it.

As I was driving along a stretch of highway between worksites, something finally clicked.  I was focusing too much on the national issue, and not nearly enough on wrestling with my own personal position.   I have gone through 12 hours of state approved training, and possess the legal right to carry a concealed weapon.  I will not say when or where I have carried my legally acquired weapon, but there have been times when I have.  I can tell you that most of those times were in situations where my overwhelming concern was a mass shooting situation.  I seldom carried it on my person otherwise.

I have had discussions about this with other people I share life with.  Many times these people would have divided responses.  One would accept my choice as logical, and a good step to ensure I would be able to respond in a life threatening situation.  Others I know would say that their own personal beliefs on the subject would not allow them to pursue the same path I was on.  I have several wise friends I have discussed this with, and I don’t know that they ever came to a consensus.  Each person seemed to point back to it ultimately being a personal decision.

So my personal decision was that I would continue to arm myself when I felt it was appropriate.  My added caveat was that I would only use the weapon in defense of groups of people outside of myself.  I played back imagined situation after imagined situation where I was being mugged on the street, and willingly gave up my wallet, even though I knew I was armed and could stop the robbery.  Other imagined situations involved large crowds, and a gunman that I would stop as he attempted mass murder.  Happily, I never had to experience either of these situations.  I know how I would have liked to respond in each of them, but I do not KNOW how I would have responded, and I suspect there is no way to know without actually being in the moment.

I can’t remember the trigger that caused my mind to change so abruptly a few days ago on that potholed and worn road, but I remember that I clearly had a shift in my mental approach to my concealed carry permit.

I had forgotten to include God in the mix.

I had always viewed my efforts in the light of providing protection to others.  I even felt that God was condoning it, that God knew I was ready for whatever might come my way.   Perhaps God would put me in the right place at the right time and I could be a hero!  It sounds stupid when you put it in writing, but at least some of my approach was based in this desire to be a hero.  I suppose that the ultimate trigger for the change in my approach is God himself.

I wrote at the beginning of this 25 days about Syrian refugees, and shared about how they were being compared to dangerous snakes.  I then cherry picked a verse from the Bible where Jesus says that we will be bitten by dangerous snakes, but that we will not be harmed.  Do I really believe that?  If I do, then why do I carry a weapon?  When Jesus asks us to turn the other cheek, does that only apply to a slap?  Or did he mean more than that when he told us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

God has the power to protect whomever he deems it necessary to protect.  He also has the right to stand (seemingly) idly by as I or others are bitten, and perhaps killed.  When I accepted his sacrifice in atonement for my sins, I also accept that I should try to live my life the way he instructs.  In exchange (not an equal exchange I might add) he has promised that even in death, I will not be harmed.  I have been assured of a future that is bright and peaceful in eternity, I want to begin to pursue that even now.

So at this point, I may no longer be carrying a weapon, but let me assure you that if a situation arises where others are in danger, I hope to gladly wade in to the fight with whatever is at hand, a soup can, a flashlight, anything I can find.  In that moment I pray that I will trust God to protect me, and perhaps He will be able to protect others through me.  Whatever the end result, I will not be harmed.  I will be at peace.

25 Days for Peace is a cooperative blogging experiment between myself and five other artists, designed to explore the facets of peace, particularly centered around this season intended to experience the peace of Christ. Visit this page to see the other contributions to this journey, and like it to join with us in exploring what peace means.