Perhaps today would be the day.

It had started like many others, with the sun peeking over the low hills as the birds and cattle welcomed the end of the long night. The woman had risen with the sun, beginning her preparations for the day with the meager breakfast she had saved in her cloak from last nights dinner, all she could afford after 12 years of failed doctors visits. Each visit approached with optimism and hope that this would be the day of her healing, but each visit ending in heartbreak as yet another ‘healer’ failed to deliver what they had promised.

As she slowly crept out from behind the stable she had spent the night in, she checked in her cloak for the last few coins of her savings. It wasn’t much, but perhaps it would be enough for this healer to have pity on her. Slipping onto the dusty street, she put into practice what years of hiding had taught her. Avoiding the eyes of any of those passing by she made her way to the center of town, quickly drawing water from the well before retreating into the shadows. In her hometown, she knew where it was safe to hide while she cleaned herself up, she knew which people felt pity for her and allowed her the grace to work unseen.

She hadn’t been to this small town before, so she worked quickly with the dampened cloth while silently praying she would not be discovered. It was always a game of hide and seek, and she didn’t always win. Even when she did win, she would eventually have to reveal herself to the physician she sought that promised restoration. When the doctor failed to deliver, they were both left trying to forget the interaction, she had learned to never give the physician her name, speaking only enough to make clear what she was there for. The physicians seemed to prefer it that way as well, especially when it became clear they could do nothing for her.

It wasn’t until she had finished that she looked up to find that she wasn’t the only one hiding in the shadows today. The beggar approached her with a threatening twinkle in his glassy eye, and made it very clear that he would reveal her secret if she didn’t give him something to forget what he had seen. She had been caught before, and knew that even though this beggar was probably the least liked individual in this small town, he still had more standing then she did. She had been run out of towns before, and it was never a pleasant experience.

She had been chasing the rumors of this healer for weeks, always seeming to have just missed him when she arrived. Last night she had fallen asleep hopeful for the first time in a while, she had overheard a few women speaking at the well that the healer had decided to stay in their village overnight. She didn’t recognize the names of anyone, she had no idea whose house the healer had stayed in, but he was here! It was the closest she had been, and to have this beggar stand between her and her chance at being healed was heartbreaking. Long experience told her that she had to give this beggar what she had, but would the healer even see her if she had nothing to offer?

Tossing her few coins into the beggars cup, she ran up the street while he greedily counted his haul. She would have to do her best to find the healer, perhaps someone would take pity on her and give her a few coins for him. All she had left was hope, and there wasn’t much of even that left.

As she slowed after a few blocks of running, she reflected on what she knew of this healer. This healer was strange and unlike so many others seemed to have no office or place of business. How could this be? Why would a healer not choose to stay in one place and have people come to him? It seemed this healer wandered the streets as she did!

This teacher also had strange teachings if rumors were to be believed. Forgiveness, grace, mercy? Who taught of such things? Did the law even allow for such actions as he taught? It was rumored that he even taught that we should “love our enemies!”

If it hadn’t been for the other rumors, she would have just written this man off as another crackpot. It was said that this man had healed a paralytic, cleansed a leper, given sight to a blind man, cast demons out of a man, and the most unbelievable rumor even said that he had raised some one from the dead. It obviously couldn’t be true. No man could do all of these things.

And yet she had followed the rumors of this man for weeks now. Forsaking those few friends she had in her home town, she had chased this elusive healer for miles. Always just a few moments too late.

Of course now she had nothing left to give him.

to be continued…

There come’s a time when the only option left is to give up.

Frankly, I must tell you that this point in your life is not a pleasant place to be in.  People tend to be pretty resilient, accomplishing grand feats in spite of seemingly insurmountable odds against them.  We hear the stories of those who have accomplished so much when so little seemed possible, and we long to be like that person, to hold on in the face of adversity until we conquer the obstacles set before us.

We try to instill this in our children, with stories of little engines that could.  We take them to Dr. Seuss for advice about the places they will go.  We encourage our children to stick with it, no matter the cost, no matter the temporary pain they go through to reach their goal.   The pain makes you stronger, we say.  We preach that “Pain is weakness leaving the body”.

We teach our children to stand against those who wish to harm them.  We explain to them that you have to stand up to those who wish to bully you.  We show them that they have to fight against those who abuse them emotionally or even physically.  We teach our children to protect themselves against all who stand against them.

Still, there come’s a time when the only option left is to give up.

Do not misunderstand me.  Fighting for your happiness, your health, your friends and family, and even your very life is a noble cause.  I do not wish to convince you that non-resistance is the path to peace.  The cross-country runner should dig that last sprint out of their very bones and leave every ounce of passion in the grass smashed beneath their thundering feet.  The children in danger of mistreatment and neglect should seek safety and the love they so deeply deserve.   Those spouses who are being abused should not give up the fight until their situation has changed, and they have protected themselves from those who seek to do them harm.  

Yet, in every life, there comes a moment when you must choose peace over power.

This moment of surrender is not in the midst of the fight.  Rather, this moment is when all of the fighting is finished.  When you have done everything in your power to set right what is wrong, and there is no further path to take to ensure your well-being, this is when you must give up.  You have to give it all up.  You have to let go of your power.

The pain.  The hurt.  The scars.  The hatred.  The past.

Even when you are victorious in conflict, the time comes to give it all up.

You have to forgive those who have hurt you.  You have to give up the right to claim anything from them.  You have to accept that what you are owed, whether it be an apology or reparations, will never be enough.  The equation can never be balanced while you hold on to your half of the numbers.  You have to forgive.  You have to wipe the slate clean and walk away.

You don’t have to try to solve the same equation again, but while you hold onto the numbers, you’re still fighting for a balance that can never be found.

We see the greatest example of this modeled for us from the cross.  “Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.”

Give up friends.

It’s our only hope.

Peace be with you.

I am very guilty of spending most of the month of December focused on the idea of peace, the processes and details of peace.  To an extent that is the point of this project, to wrestle with a concept that seems so simple, but can end up being so incredibly complex.

Of course learning about peace isn’t the same thing as practicing it.  That is somewhere that I really feel that I fall short of achieving in the month of December.  There is always a lot going on, and this year I have a few more things than usual that I am giving my attention too.

I had hoped to be more socially engaged with the world around me, fighting the good fight and trying to uplift the downtrodden.  I was going to spend time with people who were not like me, and I was going to learn their stories so they could be shared.  Intentions that have not yet become actions.  I feel like I end up in this place each year, never quite happy with the steps I have taken to turn thought into action.

I know a lot of people who turn thought into action, and I introduced you to one of them last year who is buying land to build a home for a Nicaraguan family.  I actually dropped off a bunch of scrap metal to her just a few weeks ago, because she is still working towards her goal, striving to finish strong so that her beloved second family can find peace in a stable living situation.

This year, I want to mention someone else who works to bring peace throughout the year.  Her name is April, and she is a funny, energetic and exciting person!  She nearly always has a smile on her face.  I can think of just a few exceptions that I have personally experienced, and those moments are the ones that I want to tell you about.

April has been going to Nicaragua with our church for several years now, and during her first trip she decided that she wanted to sponsor a student as he went through school.  April picked a young man named Michael, and started sending a monthly check to NRN, the organization that administrates the sponsorship program.  When April came back the next year, she met Michael, whom they had written to several times, but hadn’t gotten much correspondence back from.  She was worried that Michael didn’t really like them, or wasn’t benefiting from the support she had been sending.  Regardless of the lack of feedback, April had been faithful to continue her support.

Check out the video below and you can see just how much April’s support meant to Michael.

Each check April writes is part of a cosmic re-balancing towards peace.  Those who have, giving freely to those who have not.  April sees the ledger swayed towards injustice for Michael, and puts her time and money into setting the balance aright.

April practices peace.

If you would also like to participate in bringing peace to Nicaragua, you can sponsor a student yourself at http://www.nicaresourcenet.org/

I, and others who have been a part of this project in the past have struggled with our own role in trying to truly become peacemakers.  I have started so many posts about resolving international conflicts, advocating for a little force now to stop a disaster later, but I have never been able to finish those posts.  I have spent tens of hours across the three years I’ve done this trying to reach a conclusion I can believe in, but each time I have started, I have failed, and badly.  Why does this concept confuse and trouble me so much?

A dear friend sent me some Bible verses a few days ago, and I read over them several times, hoping to find some strand of truth to grab onto to anchor myself in my internal debate.  Try as I might, I wasn’t connecting with those verses in a meaningful way.  Or at least not in a way that felt complete and fully developed.  There was still a mental connection missing for me.  How could a God of peace allow such terrible things like what is going on in Syria or the South Sudan to continue?  How would a peaceful God resolve an international conflict?  Where do you draw the line of peace?

I sat down tonight, dreading the commencement of my now daily task, and once again couldn’t get started.  I distracted myself enough to run out of internet (again) and then curled up under the covers of my bed.  I drug my phone up and scrolled to the section of scripture my friend had sent days before, deciding it wouldn’t hurt to look again into the Bible for wisdom.

Romans 16:20 (a) The God of peace will crush Satan under his feet.

The God of peace will crush Satan under his feet?  What kind of paradox is this?  How can a peaceful God crush anything and still be considered peaceful?

After processing for a few more minutes I finally realized that I’ve forgotten who the enemy is.

The battles I keep wanting to fight are battles against flesh and blood, as if there truly are human beings who we could eliminate to set the world back into proper order.

The enemy isn’t a person, or a group of people, who can be stopped by killing them.  People who do ill towards others are only a symptom of a broader problem.

“The God of peace will crush Satan under his feet.”

Meditate on that with me tonight.  Tomorrow we will unpack it.

I couldn’t bring myself to write yesterday.

It isn’t because I didn’t have anything I wanted to write about, but rather because I didn’t know how to write it.  I suppose in a way, I still don’t how to write what I want to write.

My newsfeed was full of the news that yesterday, the rebels in the city of Aleppo were nearly wiped out.  The conflict in Syria is incredibly difficult for me to figure out.  Rebels and Pro-government forces have been fighting for so long, and so bitterly that neither side is necessarily better than the other.  While it is true that Pro-government forces have used chemical weapons, guided munitions, and artillery bombardments in an attempt to destroy those who are rebelling, those who are rebelling don’t have clean hands either.  Many rebel groups are known for their direct links to organizations we would consider terrorist organizations.  Pro-government forces regularly bomb hospitals and schools.  Rebel forces hide in those places…drawing the fire upon the innocent.

The conflict in Syria is hard to unravel, especially after nearly 5 years of fighting.

No one has clean hands.

My thoughts are filled with what-ifs…what if the UN had found a way to effectively intervene and de-escalate this conflict early in the first year?  What if our own government had enforced the red-line it set to keep chemical weapons off of the battle field?  What if the Russians had not joined the fighting?  What would have happened if Russia and China had not blocked a security council resolution with their invincible vetoes?

What if I had started writing about this sooner?

What if I had found my way there as I feel called to do?

There is plenty of blame for all sides, including myself.

As I watched videos of those who were in the rebel areas say goodbye to anyone who would listen, as they told us they honestly did not expect to live through the next few hours, I can’t even describe what was going on in my heart and in my head.  How could this be?  What could I have done?

(An example is here)

I tried to write for a while, but I couldn’t.

I lay down in my bed, safe from harm, and fought back an overwhelming sense of depression.  A feeling of total failure.  A feeling of loss.  I couldn’t speak.  It was too much.

Yesterday was my moment of silence.