Handcuffs are uncomfortable.

We used to have a pair or two floating around the house as kids, because with 3 brothers, you’re bound to need a set as you play.  I learned how to pick the lock on the handcuffs we had, so that I could escape when my brothers put me in them.  We managed to never leave anyone locked up too long, but sometimes we couldn’t help but accidentally tighten them too much, tightening them until they were pinching.   That can be a panic inducing moment as a kid, knowing that you want out of the handcuffs, but realizing they are too tight to be removed easily.  You certainly never wanted to be the person in the handcuffs, but rather the person in charge.

So, when I found myself in real handcuffs outside of a Walmart at 4 in the morning, I was definitely not feeling like I was in charge.

It’s a long story.

My fiance and I had been spending the evening together, and as often happens, time got away from us and we parted ways at 3:45.  I drove to a vacant parking lot and planned to sleep in the truck for the night since it was so late I didn’t want to travel back to Fort Wayne.   As I pulled in I saw a cop car darting back to where I would normally park when I’m too tired to drive, and decided that I didn’t want to interrupt anything they had going on, so I left and drove to the nearest Wal-Mart.

Apparently that was a suspicious action.  As a result, I was followed to Wal-Mart.  Shortly after parking I was approached by a single officer in a car, asking if I had seen anyone in a hoodie go by.  I said no, and he drove on.  I browsed my phone for a few minutes as I tried to wind down for the night, but a few minutes later I noticed a collection of at least 8 cop cars building up across the parking lot from me.  I shot my fiance a text about a story I would have to tell her in the morning, pressing send just as the officers got in their cars.  Then as one unit, they all drove towards my car, surrounding it and just like in the movies I was held under gunpoint as I was told to step out of the vehicle with my hands up.

At this point I was almost laughing at how ridiculous it was.  I wisely kept the smile from my face, and complied with the instructions I was given.  “Hands up!  Lift your shirt so we can see your waistband! Turn all the way around!”  It was pretty much like you have seen in countless tv shows and movies.

I was called over to an officer with my hands still in the air, searched thoroughly, and then searched again.  It’s possible I was searched a third time, but I’m not totally sure as it was all happening at once.  I was briefly questioned, and after answering the questions I was told to hang out for a few minutes while they kept looking for whomever they were looking for.

A few minutes turned into 10, and it started to sprinkle.  I certainly hadn’t taken time to put on my jacket before getting out the truck, and I was starting to get more than a bit chilly.  The officer who had been left to babysit me wasn’t very talkative, and certainly wasn’t enjoying the weather either, so after a few more minutes he told me that I would be sitting in the back of his car while we waited out the rain.

I nodded and started walking towards his car.  It was then that he mentioned that I would have to be handcuffed.

I’ve always done my best to be cooperative with the police, but I’ve got to tell you that I wasn’t mentally prepared to be handcuffed.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I still didn’t know why I was being detained.  What?  Handcuffs?  Seriously?

He was very serious, and proceeded to handcuff me, and place me in the back of his squad car.

So I sat in the plastic seat of the squad car, hands behind me, pressing into my back.  I waited, trying to make small talk with the officer.  He still wasn’t very communicative, and eventually got out of the car, leaving me alone in the back.  By this time, I’ve been in the back of the car for 45 minutes, and my hands hurt, my wrists hurt, my shoulders hurt.  I still don’t know what is going on, and no one is offering to tell me anything.  When the officer left the car, I seriously considered trying to get my hands under my legs so my arms would be in my lap instead of digging into my back.  I (wisely) decided that was a bad idea, and settled for changing position.

It was nearly 2 hours from my first contact with the police until I was released from the handcuffs.  I was placed in 3 separate cop cars during that time, each time wondering if I was about to be driven to the nearest jail.  I didn’t even know that there had been an armed robbery and that I was suspect until 1:45 into the whole ordeal.

Eventually I was let go, after my truck was searched thoroughly, and they decided I really wasn’t the person they were looking for.

It was an intense experience.

I’ve learned a lot from this experience.  Frankly I am now much more understanding of people who resist the police.  Being in the handcuffs was one of the more unpleasant experiences I have had in the last few years, and it is going to take some serious mental will power for me to willingly accept being in handcuffs again.  The way the seats are designed to hurt you the whole time you’re in the car seems deliberately intended to make you unwilling to be cooperative.

For a few hours that early morning, someone had stolen my peace.

Even now I’m much more nervous around the police.

It helps me understand in a way I never could before why some people are terrified of the police.  It helps me empathize with others who have had negative interactions with the police.  I left our interaction unharmed and free, but it also changed my perspective on law enforcement significantly.   I can now imagine how growing up in a community that is regularly held under increased scrutiny could be nervous in situations that seem so innocent.

I tried to remain calm throughout, but as time continued to pass and I continued to not be told anything, I began to be pretty worried.  I thought of Paul and Silas in Jail, and imagined trying to sing hymns in the back of the cop car for my release.  Sadly, I didn’t try it, mostly because I was so worried that I wasn’t sure where to start.

How did Paul and Silas remain so peaceful?  I know the answer in my head, but clearly my heart has a lot more work to do,

I pray that one day, I will have the peace of 2 hymn singing jailbirds more fully than I had that night.